I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
