Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
