So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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