Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
