Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
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