Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
