We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
