there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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