Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Randomize
