Plan B is the new Plan A
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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