It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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