Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
