I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
