Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
