Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
