I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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