If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
