btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
