I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
How does it feel to date your dad?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
