you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
