new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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