had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
