Kiss
Puke
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
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