The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Randomize
