i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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