Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
