I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
