My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
