U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
