I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
