i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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