she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
