whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
