If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
