I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
