You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
