I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
