I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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