I'd wear matching sweaters with you
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
