Life is so much better after having sex.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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