i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
