Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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