I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
