All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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