At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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