i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
barbara walters just said penis...
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
