The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
