This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
