Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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