You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
