My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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