i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
